REAL HOUSEWIVES OF POTOMAC

Let’s call tonight’s episode what it really was: “Everything Ashley Does Is Annoying—-Meanwhile, The Other Housewives Did Rich People Stuff.” Let’s break it down…

1. Google and Gossip. Ashley, you’re new to the group. You’re the youngest and thinnest, with obviously too much time and energy.  Wasn’t there a better way to ingratiate yourself to the Potomac ladies than Googling all of them? Then you shared the internet dirt with just one—-Katie? Clearly, you hoped this tried and true method of forming feminine friendships would work.  Wrong move.  Katie took your garbage, and recycled it. Robyn got wind that you were discussing her financial issues. First you HUMP on her, then you DUMP on her? 

2. Come to my Birthday Party (p.s. It’s a Cash Bar.) Ugh. Really?  I’m guessing you KNEW no one would bother to show if you told them that upfront. Part of being rich, is SHOWING OFF. Not the smoothest move, Exlax. Hope no one brought you a gift because “The bar tab IS your gift! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!” 

3. “Kryptonite in the Cootie.” This was your description of how you conquered your husband? But…if Lois Lane…had Kryptonite in her…wouldn’t that have killed (or at the very least) made Superman weak? I guess we’re supposed to think your Cootie is that powerful? And that, on your husband’s distant planet (called Australia) women have no access to such destruction?  Perhaps your husband Michael needs a short stay at his Fortress of Dollartude until he’s strong enough to resist your powerful poison.          

4. She was “standoffish”, so you Googled her?  That was the odd explanation you offered Robyn when she confronted you. She should have pressed you a little harder as to why you THEN felt it was okay to gossip about your Google findings. She didn’t. I wonder who’s name would come up in a Google search like this: a catty social climber who wanted to bond over delighting in other people’s misery? Even though Robyn took the high road, and let it slide, she got a nice dig in “I’ve heard of people being thirsty, but Ashley is DEHYDRATED.” Booyah.

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Here’s what else was going on in Potomac this week:

1. Queen Bee Karen wants to get her pilot’s license. Next on her Bucket List:  “The Mile High Club”. Her words, not mine. I thought that was an 80’s thing, like Disco and Members Only jackets. I don’t really see the point in it either. The Mile High Club falls in to my own Bucket List called:  “Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should.” 

2. Everyone needs a friend like Charrisse Jordan’s friend Brynee. Charrisse opened up this week about the state of her marriage. For three years, she has felt like “the other woman” to her husband Eddie’s first love: coaching. She’s lonely. She would gladly go back to the days when they had the “basics”, but they had each other. Brynee reminded Charrisse that her happiness is just as important as everyone else’s. Later, while the ladies were visiting with Charrisse, she opened up about her ailing marriage. The housewives surrounded her with love and support. Katie disclosed Ashley’s Google snooping to the group. This infraction would not be ignored.     

3. In a bold and hilarious move, Katie remodeled Andrew’s house while he was out of town for a few days. No more ManCave, instead she created her own space called “The Mrs.” room. He didn’t love it, to say the least. Maybe she should have let him bring his luggage in from the doorstep before she took him on the tour of what was once HIS home. Later, at Ashley’s “Buy Your Own Booze Birthday Party” Katie and Andrew were on a PDA tour. What 44 year old gropes and makes out like that in public? Oh yeah, “boy toy” Andrew. Guess Katie REALLY had to pay for that remodel. 

4. Gizelle met with her cheating ex-husband Jamal, and their daughters over lunch. They are still close enough that Gizelle drank his lemonade, but distant enough that there is no way she wants his lemons back home. She’s having fun, and dating. The best revenge is being happy and looking fantastic. Take a page from her book, ladies!  Life is too short, so move on and be happy.  

Predictions for next week:

The RHOP ladies are figuring out what their futures look like. Does Robyn’s include Juan? Can Charrisse save her marriage (and does she even want to?) Gizelle is dating, but with the feminine strength to weed out any SCRUBS (maybe Ashley slipped her some of that Kryptonite.) Queen Bee Karen can school Ashley to be a proper Potomac lady, but is Ashley even taking any notes? She’s the newcomer, doing things her own way. Clearly, as Karen put it “she’s a diamond in the rough, in need of a lot of buffing.”    

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